Failed yet forgiven

May 21, 2011

You see a few weeks back the boys started asking questions like, “Well does Baba know Jesus? What about Uncle Tim?”. Some of the answers were “ Yes they do” and some, “No they don't”. They continued to ask why some people don't believe in Jesus. We just explained that there are people who believe in different things and that we can pray for and share Jesus with those who don't believe in Him, because we love them and want to share truth with them. So, the boys have been praying for specific people on their hearts, that they would know Jesus. We have told them that if you want to be able to have a relationship with God it has to be through Jesus. If you don't know Him, you don't know God.

My sons where talking with their Uncle Tim on the phone today. Cole got on the phone first and the first words out of his mouth were, “So, do you know Jesus yet?” My jaw dropped about 2 feet from my head. I looked at Randy in pure astonishment. Cole continued the conversation with normal every day chit chat. Sharing about school and friends. It was a quick off the cuff question for him.

At this point Seth was sitting on my lap. He received the phone from Cole to talk next. “So, we want you to know Jesus because we don't want you to go to.....” Before he could finish the sentence, and before I knew what I was doing, I put my hand over his mouth. I was thinking in my head, “Where did he hear the concept that life without Jesus is “hell”? He can't say that, that's offensive to people.” Seth just sat there stunned, not sure what to say next because he knew I had just, nonverbally, told him NOT to say another thing about Jesus to this person. Taught him that, there are some things you say and there are some things you DO NOT say. (I talked with Tim after that and he said to me that he  can hear questions like that from Seth and Cole and know that is an expression of love and interest and not be offended or threatened by it.  SO glad about that!)

That very second I taught my son something...... you should be ashamed to talk about some of the things about Jesus. It's true, that's what I taught him by stopping him mid-sentence. I taught him that when you feel it on your heart to talk to someone about Jesus you should just swallow that feeling and not say anything. I taught him that speaking about Him can offend people and we don't want to offend people.

We should feel awkward, embarrassed, insecure, that's what I taught him in that split second about talking about Jesus to someone......Jesus. The whole reason I live and breath. The only One that has eternal meaning to me. I was stunned at my response to my children sharing about Him. I know that the Word of God is going to be offensive. It says so in the Bible. It's never stopped me before when God lays it on my heart to share with someone. Yet, here I was stopping my children, my own children, from sharing their heart with someone they loved.

I just kind of sunk into my chair. I was immediately shocked and convicted at my response. Not guilty mind you. I just knew that I had disappointed …..my God. My Heavenly Father. I just denied His Son. The One who made my salvation possible. My mind went to Peter. How many times have I read the story of Jesus telling Peter that he would deny knowing Him 3 times before the rooster crows. Peter was adamant that this wouldn't happen. I didn't think it would happen to me either. But …. it did. In one quick moment. I look at that story about Peter much differently now. I'm so thankful that Jesus asked Peter 3 times to feed His sheep in order to restore Peter for the three times he had denied Christ. Oh Lord, restore me.

I had to go back to my children, after having gone back to my God, and ask them to forgive me for teaching them to NOT talk about Jesus. I told them, “When you feel in your heart that you should talk about Jesus to someone, you do it. Don't let anyone stop you, not even me.” Tears where rolling down my face. Lord, restore me and PLEASE , please make my children bolder than I am.

Thankfully I serve the God who has forgiven all my failures.

So, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward in Christ....mistakes and all. I'm just a woman on a journey trying to live out what I know to be truth. It's NOT easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.