January 17, 2012
The past 3 months have been very difficult for me. The all day nausia and dizziness has passed and for that I'm thankful, though I'm still very tired, have horrible heartburn and constant post nasel drip (wonder if I'm allergic to being pregnant?), and the first 10 minutes of the morning are a nightmare. Now, the most difficult part has not been the above physical symptoms, but the mental/emotional/psychological symptoms.
I had to get off my medicine for OCD as it wasn't safe for the baby. I then was put on a low dose of Zoloft, which works fairly well for me (I was on this when I was pregnant with Cole). However, the low dose just isn't cutting it. I've been trying to wait till my 2nd trimester (this Sunday) to up it.
I had a bit of a break down before the Lord this past Friday night while laying in bed. You see, I've been struggling so much with depression and my OCD symptoms, not being on my normal medication, that I am having a hard time discerning truth. I really started to believe that I would “feel” like this FOREVER. When in Madagascar and when we came back I was feeling the best (mentally) that I had been in years! Then I got pregnant. I have never asked the Lord if we heard wrong about getting pregnant, I know He told us to do this, but I have wondered if I'll ever “feel” healthy (mentally) again.
In the middle of my crying out to the Lord, He just spoke to my heart. I was HOPING to hear something like, “megan, you know this is just a chapter in your life, you will not be feeling like this for long”. But that's NOT what I heard in my heart. The Lord reminded me of a conversation I had with Him a while back. I told him I'd be willing to give up anything and everything for His glory. He asked me, “Would you be willing to loss your mind again for Me?” Now, I did not feel He was telling me that I would infact loss it again, He was just asking me, would I be willing to. Would I be willing to loss all that I AM not just all that I HAVE. I don't think we ever really think of that aspect of “giving all we have to the Lord” do we?
And so, here I am in this weaken and broken state before the Lord asking Him to remind me of truth and he reminds me, “I've made you willing to loss all for me. Therefore, whatever I ask you to loss or gain for my glory I will give you the strength to handle. Truth is...I AM. Keep your eyes on me not your surroundings, not your feelings. I am the only portion you need. I will give you the stregnth to CHOSE joy. You are NOT alone”
The next morning I was sitting at my friends table weeping and praying with her (I had slept over because Randy was at a retreat and the boys were at my parents) I felt a beautiful release of hopelessness and a renewal of hope fill my heart. Now, yes, I'm still FEELING the same way, depressed, crabby (understatement of the century) but I'm SURE of the Lord being my portion and I'm CHOSING joy.
Now, I did talk to my drs and they feel it's ok for me to up my meds. Now that I'm past the first 10 weeks of pregnancy which are the most crucial. And so I think I'm going to take the plung tonight, for my husband and children's sake. I just can't be like this any more. I feel constantly on edge, quite, aloof, not engaging..... but atleast today I've CHOSEN joy.
NOTE: it's now feb 15 and i'm doing much better! still exhausted but much more even keeled mentally! thank you LORD!