I'M SICK OF MYSELF!!!!

Sept 27, 2011

I've been trying to get into a new habit in the mornings. I get the boys off to school and then I do my stretching and go right into my God date. I've been calling it my “soaking” as my spirit is so dry I just feel I need to soak in His presence.

Do you ever get sick of being with yourself? I'm at that place today. I just want to get away from my anxiety and the mass of thoughts that just keep running laps around my brain. I'm struggling with what to do with my life. What do I do now that my children are in school and I am a stay at home mom? What do I do with my time? Why can't I be a better home maker? Why can't I be content, like most Americans, at living here in America where there is safety, freedom, and stuff? What am I worth now that I'm not “raising my children during school hours”, now that I'm not working and giving to the community? Is what I'm doing enough? It seems like all my insecurities are being brought out. Instead of talking about them I just shove them under a rug thinking, “This is so stupid, I should not be struggling with this. There are other people out there who would give anything to lead the life I lead.” and therefore I just dont work through it. In doing nothing with it, not talking about it/praying about it, these insecurities continue to have power over me. I guess it's really a pride issue. If I'm struggling with these issues that seem so pitiful to me what are others going to think of me?

The truth is, this is where I'm at in life. I am struggling with these issues, and it's ok. I need to work through them with the Lord and those who love me so that I DON'T give them the power to cause anxiety and fear in me. I need to work through them, talk about them, pray about them, in order to use these things to bring enlightenment, wisdom, and strength into my spirit rather than anxiety and fear.

I need to stop hiding behind the fear of seeming weak and just … well... be weak. It says in 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But (the Lord) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you , for my pwer is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Ok, so I'm not delighting in them as of right now, but you get my point right? I did finally have a good talk with my “bestie”, Randy, last night. Just laid all my fears and questions of myself out there. It was a nice release. Thankfully I have a husband who told me he loves me just the way I am. But you know what, even if I didn't have Randy I have the Lord and He loves me 100 times greater and more perfectly than Randy does. Cole was practicing his memory verse for school this morning. He reminded me this morning that “He (God) created my inmost being. He is the one who knit me together in my mother's womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139: 13-14.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. I need to work on believing that one. Do you need to work on believing that as well? Let's work on it together and not just “shove it under the rug”.

Struggling to appreciate things

1. 
   

   September 1, 2011

   Yes, I know it's been a lllllloooooonnnnnngggggg time since I've last blogged. I do need to appologize, that's assuming that anyone still reads this now that we're back in the States. I admit that I just haven't wanted to blog. I keep thinking, “Who wants to hear the mundane life of a stay at home mom, who has no children staying at home, living, what feels like, a mundane American life.”

   Anyway, that's enough of my soaking in my own misery. The boys had their first day of school on Monday. To say they were excited to ride the bus would be an understatement! We left the house to walk to their bus stop around 7:45 am. The bus stops right down the street from us at 7:51am. As the boys went off on the bus Randy and I walked back home. I then left to drive to the school for a “tissues and tea” for Kindergarten parents. I just wanted to go meet some of the other parents. There were about 10 other parents there. Some where complaining about how they had to walk 2 blocks to the bus stop even though the bus goes right past their house. I just sat there quietly listening. Should I even bother sharing with them the walk we did to get to school when we were in Madagascar? I decided against it.

   I came home, flopped down on the couch and started crying. Randy came out and said, “you sad to see the kids go?” “NO” I said. “There were parents complaining because they had to walk a whole 2 blocks to the bus stop! I wanted to complain because we ONLY had to walk 2 blocks from our house. Our walk to the bus here is so BORING! It was so short and there was no market to walk though. No need for me to say, ' Don't step on the pile of fish honey.' 'Don't trip over the hens.' 'Watch out for the zebu'. No hard working women pounding leaves in the pestle and mortar. Nobody yelling, “Vaza! Vaza!” It's SO boring here!”

   So, as you can hear in my writing, I'm still struggling with missing Madagascar. The boys and Randy are well adjusted. Though I do need to say that at least once a week Seth is in tears saying he misses his friend Amin from Madagascar.

   And so, this is why I haven't wanted to write. What do you write when most of what is on your mind is missing a certain place. I know that eventually I'll be able to move on from this pain. Until then, you'll have to lovingly deal with me as I share my grief through writing.

   For now I feel led to follow a friend of mine's lead. She just finished up her furlough in Canada and is now back in Madagascar. She wrote down 10 things she loves about her homeland (Canada). And so I shall do the same thing as I try to encourage my heart. I'm not going to state the obvious that I love my family and friends.

   10 things I love about America

   1. The freedom, safety, form of Government

   2. I can trust, for the most part, the policemen who are out working so hard for our safety.

   3. I can find just about any kind of nationality, people and cuisine, within an hour from my house!

   4. The freedom of speech and religion we have here.

   5. The access to anything and everything we have here (although this is also one of the things I can't stand)

   6. Reliable electricity and clean running water

   7. Turkey Hill Ice cream

   8. Hershey's chocolate

   9. 37” seemed pants

   10. Carpet

       and .....I'm done.....