Wednesday, May 16, 2012

change of heart AFTER obedience

april 24, 2012
processing the blessing of obedience
I can't believe it's been so long since I last blogged. I guess I really had nothing good to share since I've been struggling with “feeling” depressed, fat, I just hid for a while.

For the past few weeks I've found myself looking in the mirror staring at my constantly growing belly. As each day passes I'm more facinated by this miracle of a life growing inside me. One that wouldn't be there if the Lord hadn't asked Randy and I to get pregnant again. One that wouldn't have been there if He hadn't given us the strength to obey Him rather than obey our fears.

Something I dreaded for 6 years (the thought of being pregnant again) is now, slowly, becoming an enjoyed experience. The gift of feeling little hands and feet doing kick boxing at 4 in the morning, watching my belly and seeing little bumps and thumps, watching my boys trying to get their arms around me to hug me and then laying their heads on my belly and singing to the baby and getting kicked in the head, wathing them watch the miracle of life that God has indeed blessed us with.

God is able to change our perspective. It doesn't happen over night, nor does it always happen before we chose to obey whatever He's asking us to do that we don't want to do. It took 5 years until I was even able to think about getting pregnant, and that was just because the Lord put it on my heart. It took another 5 months to obey and start trying. I'm now just starting my 7th month of pregnancy and I'm just now enjoying parts of it and looking forward, with excited anticipation, to hold this bundle of love and welcome him/her into our family.

It took time, and lots of it, but my perspective has changed. The fear of, “what if I get sick again” is not a fear any more, as I remind myself over and over again of how the Lord walked us through that, and not only that, but used it to speak to others of His own power and glory.