Friday, July 8, 2011

sitting in the dirt...but not alone

July 5, 2011

We've been having a great visit with the Hills (missionary friends of ours we're staying with here in S. Africa).  They have been such a help to us in our tough transition from living in Madagascar to living in the States.  We've cried and laughed together at the joys and hardships of living in a different culture than what you grew up in.  

Yesterday I was finally able to allow all the emotions that had swelled up inside of me out. Yes, I had cried here and there but I hadn't done that....well...ya know....the “ugly cry”, where your lip quivers and snot runs out your nose uncontrollably. I had been feeling sick to my stomach all day yesterday and I was pretty sure it was just emotions. Pam had dropped me off at the house while she quick ran a friend home as I just coudn't be in the car any more due to complete dizziness. I was sitting on the ground because the house was all gated up. As I sat waves of heavy sadness heaved out of me like uncontrollable tsunami waves. Pam pulled into the driveway, got out of the car, and sat in the dirt beside me with her arm around me. She simply said, “I don't have any profound words of wisdom. I just know that it hurts.”.

I went to bed early last night, exhausted. It's now morning. I lay in bed for a while reminding myself that my God is King. He know's what He's doing in my life, in our lives, and I need to pour my trust into Him, even when I'm hurting. Even, when to me, life looks like it's roaring out of control. You see, having been in Mada for a year has changed us SO deeply. So deeply infact, that I don't even fully know all the ways it's changed us. I think we'll be noticing things that have changed in us for months. My grieving, however, comes with the fact that I don't know if I'll ever have a chance to see those beautiful Malagasy friends of mine again here on earth. I know I've blogged about this before, but I need to do it again...for my sake. I have to keep reminding myself to keep my eyes focused on the eternal. If I truly understood eternity I would understand that this life is a “blink of an eye”. And it's true. Just look back on this year. It's over....already! So fast. So fast that I can't get my head around it. That's how our life will go.

And so, I lovingly remind myself, “My King is in control. Hold on tightly to Him and get ready. I'd rather give up my greatest dream, which I truly believe He put in my heart, and live in the center of His will for me, then give up His will for me and live in the center of my dream.”

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