Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Sept 27, 2011

I've been trying to get into a new habit in the mornings. I get the boys off to school and then I do my stretching and go right into my God date. I've been calling it my “soaking” as my spirit is so dry I just feel I need to soak in His presence.

Do you ever get sick of being with yourself? I'm at that place today. I just want to get away from my anxiety and the mass of thoughts that just keep running laps around my brain. I'm struggling with what to do with my life. What do I do now that my children are in school and I am a stay at home mom? What do I do with my time? Why can't I be a better home maker? Why can't I be content, like most Americans, at living here in America where there is safety, freedom, and stuff? What am I worth now that I'm not “raising my children during school hours”, now that I'm not working and giving to the community? Is what I'm doing enough? It seems like all my insecurities are being brought out. Instead of talking about them I just shove them under a rug thinking, “This is so stupid, I should not be struggling with this. There are other people out there who would give anything to lead the life I lead.” and therefore I just dont work through it. In doing nothing with it, not talking about it/praying about it, these insecurities continue to have power over me. I guess it's really a pride issue. If I'm struggling with these issues that seem so pitiful to me what are others going to think of me?

The truth is, this is where I'm at in life. I am struggling with these issues, and it's ok. I need to work through them with the Lord and those who love me so that I DON'T give them the power to cause anxiety and fear in me. I need to work through them, talk about them, pray about them, in order to use these things to bring enlightenment, wisdom, and strength into my spirit rather than anxiety and fear.

I need to stop hiding behind the fear of seeming weak and just … well... be weak. It says in 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But (the Lord) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you , for my pwer is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Ok, so I'm not delighting in them as of right now, but you get my point right? I did finally have a good talk with my “bestie”, Randy, last night. Just laid all my fears and questions of myself out there. It was a nice release. Thankfully I have a husband who told me he loves me just the way I am. But you know what, even if I didn't have Randy I have the Lord and He loves me 100 times greater and more perfectly than Randy does. Cole was practicing his memory verse for school this morning. He reminded me this morning that “He (God) created my inmost being. He is the one who knit me together in my mother's womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139: 13-14.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. I need to work on believing that one. Do you need to work on believing that as well? Let's work on it together and not just “shove it under the rug”.


  1. Very encouraging to know others face the same thoughts / struggles. Thanks for being honest and open, its always the better way.
    Keep your eyes on Him and He will bring you through.

  2. i totally hear you my friend.

    when you wrote, "it seems like all my insecurities are being brought out" it reminded me of a favourite chapter in Richard Foster's book "Celebration of Discipline", the chapter on Fasting. What i remember is that he said, when you fast (and i took this to mean not only from food, but from friends and what we love to do, where we love to be!) our impurities rise to the surface because our person is shaken up by the discomfort of the fasting. The impurities rise to the surface so that we can deal with them, as you said at the end of your post. It is obviously an uncomfortable process, but being refined definitely has it's end rewards.

    I pray for you that despite the discomfort, your "chaff" will be blown away (entirely!) by the sweet breath of the Almighty God and you will be left with only the wheat and the fragrance of him. (I'm certain God doesnt ever have morning breath! haha) I pray for you that that fragrance will envelop all your daily, hourly, activities making every minute holy, bringing such a sense of fulfillment and purpose to your life that you will know without a doubt that you are where you should be, doing what you are supposed to be doing, according to the will of the Lord God.

    Be well my friend. I will bring your name to the Esther Study women this morning and we will pray for you. Wait for the Lord, for he rises to bring you blessing.

  3. My one best friend and I were having the exact same conversation tonight. Thanks for writing down what we also feel.