If I truly understood.

October 3 1013

How would my life look different if I TRULY understood who God is. I've been chewing on the verses from Ephesians 3 off and on for over a year now.

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I'm realizing that we need to be praying this over ourselves, each other, and over the church as a whole. We're not going to understand it unless God brings the understanding. It's too much for our mortal minds to fathom.

How would I look different if I truly understood the depth, the highth, of this love that surpasses knowledge? It would effect how I view myself, others, HIM! Now obviously perfection doesn't come until we are standing before Him, but am I asking Him to help me understand the knowledge of His love, to be EFFECTED by this knowledge and to change the atmosphere around me due to this knowledge?

And so today I pray this over myself, my family, the church....you. How will you allow this knowledge to change the atmosphere around you?

nature points out truth once again

October 13, 2012

This week as I was walking down our road towards the country I noticed the trees on the side of the road. There were some who had vines wrapped around them from top to bottom, some who had vines beginning to grow, slowly creeping up the trunk, and some who had vines ripped off of them and were scarred.

The Lord started opening up my heart to His voice as He started teaching me through nature, yet again. The vines, they are SO beautiful, full of green leaves, some red, purple. Yet these vines are slowly choking out the life of the big trees. These vines represented sin to me. Any kind of sin. Lying, stealing, adultery, addiction, gluttony, selfishness, pride, having a “martyrs attitude”, cheating, disobeying...the list can go on and on.

These things all look so good at first. They seem like a good idea. Or maybe we don't even see that we are doing them! The tree doesn't notice a vine slowly creeping it's way towards the base of the tree. Sin is tricky. Sometimes we look at it and it looks pretty, it get's our attention, “look at that beautiful vine on that tree. It's leaves are wonderful!” But we all come to a realization, at some point or another, that those “beautiful leaves” (sin) are slowly choking us. You can look at a tree and ONLY see the vine as it's completely taken over the tree. Do you ever feel like that. You look at yourself in the mirror and are so covered with poor choices or there is a sin that clutches itself onto your life, that you forget who you are/what you look like without it?

Then I started thinking. “You know, a tree can't take off a vine that's wrapped around it. It needs a “gardener” to remove it, kill it”. We can't overcome sin on our own. Sometimes we can't even see it's in our lives We need someone to come along and lovingly approach us about that nasty vine in our lives. We need someone to rip it off so that we may be able to fully breath again, fully live without guilt, without shame, without smothering. The problem is that when those vines are ripped off they leave wounds, scarring. Only the Lord is able to fully detatch the vines of sin in our lives. Only He is able to bring complete healing. The scars? Yes, they are still there, but you can look at them as wounds or you can look at them as a loving rememberance, a chance to remember how the Lord set you free. A chance to share with others what He's done in your life when they ask about the scarring.

We all have them you know. Vines and scars. It's a constant circle in the human life. We are attracted to the ungodly things in life and hence are always battling vines, even ones appearing to be beautiful. Therefore, we are always in the need of a savior to lovingly approach us and help us see those vines and give us the courage to allow Him to rip them off, allow Him to scar us, and yet bring healing. I know that this is a painful process and scars are not pretty, but it's the least we can allow Him to do. Think of the scars He has and bore for us.

And so as I walked down the road I began to ask the Lord, “What vines do I have in my life today Lord? What things do I need to ask you to remove from the flesh of my heart in order to be able to fully be who I am in You?” For me it's fear. I live in constant fear and anxiety. This is my vine. It's almost choked me out of life a few times, but through God's grace (and wonderful friends and family) He has shown me that my life was at risk by this vine and that I needed it removed. Seems that I need it removed almost every day. What's your vine? Will you join me in asking the Lord for courage to allow Him to remove the vines in our lives?

Processing out loud

June 24, 2012

So, I find myself needing to process what's going to be happening in the next 6 weeks. It hits me hard when someone asks me, “Is this your first?” and my response is, “No, it's our third”. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought I'd hear those words come out of my mouth! It's so strange.

And so the changes taking place in the next few weeks are big, for us. New baby, new roles for the boys in our family, Seth will be starting a special visual tracking therapy as he's not able to make that connection from brain to eye to follow along (track) while reading, copying....it's really effecting his learning, boys being more independent and going to day camp, and the most nerve racking of all changes.....wait for it......we bought a large car. You know, the ones where there are sliding doors on the sides, seat 7? Some people refer to them as mini vans. NOT US.

When we handed the check over to the man who was selling us the “large car” he said, “Are you excited?” I looked at him with a dead pan face and said, “No, I'm thankful but NOT excited.” He didn't know how to respond. :)

In all these areas we see God working and moving and providing for us. So why are all these things rolling over and over and over again in my mind? I'm human. It gets me every time! So I just continue to speak truth to myself when fearful and uncertain thoughts come to my mind. “God has a plan to prosper us.” “A man plans his steps but the Lord directs his path”. “To obey is better than to sacrifice.” “A broken spirit and a contrite heart, oh Lord, You will not despise.” And most importantly, “The joy of the Lord is my strength”. I was reminded the other week that the more I'm focused on what's going on around me the less my focus on Him who takes each of my days through the palms of His hand. NOTHING happens that He doesn't allow to happen.

This really frustrates and turns some people off. For me it brings great comfort. It reminds me, it's not about me. All that's allowed to happen in my life, in my family, is happening to bring God glory, to grow His kingdom, and HE has so graciously and mercifully allowed us to be apart of that.

And so each moment of the day I say, “Be gone fears, frustrations, and anxiety! The Lord is bigger than you.” I don't always FEEL better, but I, once again, aline myself appropriately. “Feelings, get to the back of the train. Truth (God's truth) is what is the engine in my life.”

And away I go, chugging throughout the day. Some day's faster than others. Some days require lots of stopping and re-alining the train cars. How are your train cars aligned? What's leading your decision making, your actions, your responses?

familial positions

June 23, 2012

My baby (Cole) turned 6 years old June 19^th! I've had to have many loving, snuggly moments with him as he has started to realized he's not going to be my baby, the youngest, for long. The boys have been showing their hesitation to this new addition to our family in different ways. Seth has been saying at night, “Mommy I don't feel like you're giving me enough attention and snuggle time.”

Cole has been waking up in the mornings speaking baby language. I sat Cole down and explained to him that his position in the family would be changing. Right now, he and Seth were just individual cookies being the oldest and the youngest in the family. However, when the baby comes, Cole will move from being the youngest, as the baby will now be the other cookie. Cole, will now be the middle child which means he gets to be the CREAM in the middle of the cookies!!!!!

He wasn't sure he liked this idea of not being the youngest, but being the cream in the cookie has grown on him over the weeks!

Both boys are excited about our addition, just hesitant. They can't wait to “help” mommy. Most excited question asked so far? “Do we have to change a poopie diapers?” hmmmm, I could really use this to my advantage. It took all of me to NOT say, “Only if you're well behaved. Disobey and you're on poopie duty!”

change of heart AFTER obedience

april 24, 2012

processing the blessing of obedience

I can't believe it's been so long since I last blogged. I guess I really had nothing good to share since I've been struggling with “feeling” depressed, fat, yucky....so I just hid for a while.

For the past few weeks I've found myself looking in the mirror staring at my constantly growing belly. As each day passes I'm more facinated by this miracle of a life growing inside me. One that wouldn't be there if the Lord hadn't asked Randy and I to get pregnant again. One that wouldn't have been there if He hadn't given us the strength to obey Him rather than obey our fears.

Something I dreaded for 6 years (the thought of being pregnant again) is now, slowly, becoming an enjoyed experience. The gift of feeling little hands and feet doing kick boxing at 4 in the morning, watching my belly and seeing little bumps and thumps, watching my boys trying to get their arms around me to hug me and then laying their heads on my belly and singing to the baby and getting kicked in the head, wathing them watch the miracle of life that God has indeed blessed us with.

God is able to change our perspective. It doesn't happen over night, nor does it always happen before we chose to obey whatever He's asking us to do that we don't want to do. It took 5 years until I was even able to think about getting pregnant, and that was just because the Lord put it on my heart. It took another 5 months to obey and start trying. I'm now just starting my 7^th month of pregnancy and I'm just now enjoying parts of it and looking forward, with excited anticipation, to hold this bundle of love and welcome him/her into our family.

It took time, and lots of it, but my perspective has changed. The fear of, “what if I get sick again” is not a fear any more, as I remind myself over and over again of how the Lord walked us through that, and not only that, but used it to speak to others of His own power and glory.

Struggling

January 17, 2012

The past 3 months have been very difficult for me. The all day nausia and dizziness has passed and for that I'm thankful, though I'm still very tired, have horrible heartburn and constant post nasel drip (wonder if I'm allergic to being pregnant?), and the first 10 minutes of the morning are a nightmare. Now, the most difficult part has not been the above physical symptoms, but the mental/emotional/psychological symptoms.

I had to get off my medicine for OCD as it wasn't safe for the baby. I then was put on a low dose of Zoloft, which works fairly well for me (I was on this when I was pregnant with Cole). However, the low dose just isn't cutting it. I've been trying to wait till my 2^nd trimester (this Sunday) to up it.

I had a bit of a break down before the Lord this past Friday night while laying in bed. You see, I've been struggling so much with depression and my OCD symptoms, not being on my normal medication, that I am having a hard time discerning truth. I really started to believe that I would “feel” like this FOREVER. When in Madagascar and when we came back I was feeling the best (mentally) that I had been in years! Then I got pregnant. I have never asked the Lord if we heard wrong about getting pregnant, I know He told us to do this, but I have wondered if I'll ever “feel” healthy (mentally) again.

In the middle of my crying out to the Lord, He just spoke to my heart. I was HOPING to hear something like, “megan, you know this is just a chapter in your life, you will not be feeling like this for long”. But that's NOT what I heard in my heart. The Lord reminded me of a conversation I had with Him a while back. I told him I'd be willing to give up anything and everything for His glory. He asked me, “Would you be willing to loss your mind again for Me?” Now, I did not feel He was telling me that I would infact loss it again, He was just asking me, would I be willing to. Would I be willing to loss all that I AM not just all that I HAVE. I don't think we ever really think of that aspect of “giving all we have to the Lord” do we?

And so, here I am in this weaken and broken state before the Lord asking Him to remind me of truth and he reminds me, “I've made you willing to loss all for me. Therefore, whatever I ask you to loss or gain for my glory I will give you the strength to handle. Truth is...I AM. Keep your eyes on me not your surroundings, not your feelings. I am the only portion you need. I will give you the stregnth to CHOSE joy. You are NOT alone”

The next morning I was sitting at my friends table weeping and praying with her (I had slept over because Randy was at a retreat and the boys were at my parents) I felt a beautiful release of hopelessness and a renewal of hope fill my heart. Now, yes, I'm still FEELING the same way, depressed, crabby (understatement of the century) but I'm SURE of the Lord being my portion and I'm CHOSING joy.

Now, I did talk to my drs and they feel it's ok for me to up my meds. Now that I'm past the first 10 weeks of pregnancy which are the most crucial. And so I think I'm going to take the plung tonight, for my husband and children's sake. I just can't be like this any more. I feel constantly on edge, quite, aloof, not engaging..... but atleast today I've CHOSEN joy.

NOTE: it's now feb 15 and i'm doing much better! still exhausted but much more even keeled mentally! thank you LORD!

you want us to what?

December 3, 2011

Hello there dear friends. As many of you know Randy and I are expecting another baby! I wanted to take time to tell you about this miracle. NO it wasn't a planned thing (so to speak) and no it wasn't a surprise. “So what was it?” you might ask.....here comes the long story. You see, Randy and I were NEVER going to have another baby. For those of you who don't know, when Seth was 9 weeks old I was struck with psychosis and postpartum depression. I was REALLY sick for about 6 months. The baby was taken away and staying at my parents for a while as I was trying to kill him due to visions I was having and thought were reality. I had a babysitter with me 24/7 as I was trying to kill myself as well. It was hell on earth. I wouldn't wish that on...well, even on Hitler...you get my point. Anyway, the Lord blessed Randy and I SO deeply during that time of suffering, including, somehow, getting pregnant in the middle of it with Cole! (otherwise we would have NEVER had him) I was still on really serious meds and had to get off them but that pregnancy was what sparked my hormones to balance! Is the Lord good or what? Anwyay, AMAZING ministry and healing for us and others came through this trial. So, due to that suffering Randy and I swore we would NEVER have children again. Ever, end of story. Funny thing was, that whenever we thought about getting something done permanently in order to not get pregnant we never felt comfortable with it so we listened to that “feeling” and never did anything permanent.

Now, back in May while in Mada I was soaking with the Lord on my morning God date and He spoke to me so clearly.

God: Megan, do you trust me with everything?

me: Lord, you know I do. I'm in the middle of Mada with my family. How else can I possibly trust you more?

God: will you have another child?

Me: No

end of my soaking with the Lord for that day.

I was SO taken off guard and SO mad at HIM! How could he ask me such a thing? Did He forget the suffering we went through? He would NOT lay off the subject. EVERY DAY!!!! I shared with Randy and we started praying something like this, "seriously Lord is this you?"

Finally by September or so we started praying something like this, "We know this is You Lord, help us to obey". By October we finally gave into his loving "harrasment"! and right away we got pregnant, and right away our hearts were filled with so much joy because He had come through, He had given us the strength to obey Him. And you know what? I would rather obey Him and have the 50/50 chance or losing my sanity again than walk a day without Him and be sane.

We have found such peace and joy in the Lord because He is growing us and teaching us how to obey Him and when we walk in obedience how much He blesses us with His presence and peace.......hold on i need a moment to cry before Him and worship....

He is SO good, friends. Randy and I have learned that it is actually in God's mercy and love for us that He asks us to do hard things because He knows that in and of ourselves, if things were easy, we would not cling to HIM. Isn't that amazing!!!!! And so it is with a little bit of human fear and intrepidation that we say, "bring it on Lord, we are Yours and will obey You fully" And even our obedience has NOTHING to do with us! HE puts it in us to obey!!!!! AMAZING!

So there you have it. The full scoop! Now don't get me wrong, we beg of you to be praying us through this, especially the first year of the baby's life as that is when postpartum, IF it will come, will come. But we want you to rejoice with us that after hearing the Lord clearly and after seeking Him for the strength to obey He formed another miracle in us and we obeyed!

What is the Lord asking you to do that is difficult? I'd be happy to join your journey and pray for you in that. As a dear friend asked me I will ask you, “How can I stand beside you?”