Aug 3, 2011
What do I blog about when my heart is so sad? I want to be able to find my sole contentment in God alone, however, how can I do that when I'm not talking to Him because I'm angry? I finally realized part of the reason why I'm struggling so much right now. Yes, I'm going through reverse culture shock. Yes, I'm missing Madagascar and my friends. Yes, I prefer to live in a thrid world country where life seems a little more simpler and slower going. But, when I was there I was solely dependent on the Lord. I prayed throughout my day, realizing that there was nothing I could do in my own strength. I looked to Him for daily safety in travel. I depended on His strength to live a day outside of my culture. I looked to Him to help me recall the Malagasy language. I looked to Him for strength as I walked 1.5 kms home from the grocery store with 5 lbs of groceries in each hand, 10 lbs on my back and two little boys. I looked to Him for wisdom as I tried to communicate with hurting people in another language other than my own heart language. The list goes on and on.
Why am I not praying throughout the day like I did before? I finally took some time for a God date. Much needed I assure you. You know what I came to realize? I'm angry. I'm mad at God for making us come back to America. The funny thing is that I can't imagine staying in Madagascar, because I have no peace about staying in Madagascar. I know He's calling us to be here in the States. So I have peace in my soul about being here, but my heart and head haven't caught up yet. Why is that? Why do I have to be so complicated?
And so, I cry before the Lord, asking Him to forgive me for being mad at Him, to instill in me a desire to lean on Him for my every need, my every desire. Help me Lord to look to Your strength throughout my day here in America. Help me Lord to look to You for safety in my daily travel. Help me to depend on Your strength to live a day in my own cuture. Help me to recall English and use it in a way to build others up and not tear people down. Help me to look to You for strength as I go through the grocery aisles with cranky people trying to push their way through the aisles to rush on to the next thing. Help me to look to you for wisdom as I try to communicate with hurting people here in my own neighborhood/church.
Ahhh, a sigh of relief as I feel the weight of the day come off my shoulders and onto His yoke. Why didn't I take time to do this before?