I Am A Beautiful Mess

Do you believe that about yourself?  That, even though you're a mess, you're still beautiful?  

I don't.   Well, I didn't.  I kind of do.  I'm working on it.  That's where I am with that statement.

I don't know about you, but I STRUGGLE.  In my mind.  It's a cotton pickin' mess.  With O.C.D. and anxiety it's like world war 3 in there depending on the day, the moment. I don't know what your struggle is, it might not be mental illness but I KNOW it's something, because we all struggle and we're all messy.

When I'm in the midst of a bad M.M. (mental moment, which could last 5 minutes or 3 months) I see no beauty in myself.  Right?  I know you can connect with this.  (I choose to believe I'm not alone in this, though this is often not talked about or ESPECIALLY not shared on social media.)  Then the automatic tapes in my head go off, and they are never uplifting.  

 "Look at you. You can't even hold it together over spilled food on the floor."  "What kind of mother loses her temper with a 4 yr old just wanting a hug while she's cooking?"  "You're a failure."  "You're not able...."  "You're inadequate."  And the list goes on.  

Messy

Why is it that "messiness"/unhealthiness comes so naturally but we have to INTENTIONALLY practice beauty?

And so, once again, I am brought back to the cross of Christ.  Now THAT is messy.  Ugly. Disgusting. Grotesque. BUT, it is also Saving.  Grace.  Mercy.  Beauty.  Without that "mess" there'd be no hope.  I just don't want to, can't,  live that way.  Literally.  If I stayed in the state of messy without practicing beauty I would......well.....let me just say it.  I would kill myself.  There ya go.  Ultimate mess.  One thing we would never want people to know we've thought about, or dare I even say, planned/tried.  Without the hope of beauty all there is, ultimately, is death to bring what we think will be relief.

It's a lie.  It's a lie.

Here's where Beauty comes in.

And so I fix my eyes on Truth.  (For those of you who will want biblical proof message me and I'll share the references for these.)

I AM VALUABLE.  

I AM a MASTERPIECE. 

I was MADE WITH A PURPOSE.  

I AM STRONG and POWERFUL in Christ.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I AM A BEAUTIFUL MESS.

I don't want to leave that last one out.  I need to take a new look at it.  Instead of looking at "Mess" as a negative I can choose to look at it as a positive.  It's within/because this "mess"  that I can 

1.  reach out and connect with other people. 

2.  catch the lies in the mess and practice truth.

3.  gain wisdom and strength by going through the mess (trials/adversities).  

Here's to today.  Will you chose to pick/focus on Beauty in the midst of the mess today with me?

Below is a link to You Make Beautiful Things By Gungor.  Please take time to listen to it and be encouraged.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cp6F2orRYo

This entry is for my Pop (my father-in-love).  I haven't blogged in months because I think, "Who would want to learn from this Mess?"  You often tell me how you miss reading my blog when I don't write for a while.  Thank you for your encouragement and for believing in me.   I love you Pop.

I am a gem.

Every gem has flaws in it. Its beauty and flaws are what make it unique. If you can't handle the flaws then don't invest in the gem.

Do we expect too much from our friends?  I know I do sometimes.  You don't realize what your expectations are in a friendship until one of them isn't met.  Maybe we don't realize it, but we sometimes expect our friends to 

*  make us happy

* support us

* be available for us when we need them

*  dare I say "read our minds"?  (know when we need these things or are expecting the above things without us telling them/asking for them)

*  call us/stay connected with us the way WE want/need to stay connected

When they fail to do the above things (and trust me, they will)  our expectations of them are not met, they "fail us"  and fall off the "important stool"  WE placed them on in our lives.  (someone look at your neighbor and say,  "idol")  People are GOING TO FAIL US.  Though we are gems and have great things to invest in each other's lives, we are gems with flaws and those flaws WILL come out and we can chose to let them bite us in the butt and hurt us, or we can chose to love the gem despite the flaw.

 It's hard to go through life without having expectations of others.  The thing with friendships is that we SHOULD go into a friendship having no expectation to receive anything.  We should be thinking "what can I give this person?"  "How can I be an encouragement to this person"...NOT thinking "What can she give me?"  "How can he encourage/support me?" .  If both sides went into friendships like this and kept it that way, we would not have our expectations crushed so much and, at the same time, we would both receive encouragement but NOT be crushed when the other person lets us down.  

The only person we should place our expectations on/in is the One who can fulfill our every NEED (notice I'm not saying "want"), the one who is a PERFECT FRIEND and that's Christ.  He loved us when we were totally unloveable!  

*  Romans 5:8 " But God showed His love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"  He had NO expectations of receiving ANYTHING from us.

He tells us in Matthew 11:28-30 "Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for  you souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

In whom do you place your expectations?

I'm a messy tree

I'm finding out lately that my roots are all over the place.  I'm a messy tree.  Have you heard these phrases: "Where are your roots?", "I don't want to grow my roots here."  God has been teaching me what my roots are plugged into.

They say that you can see what your idols are by looking at where you spend your time, thoughts, and money. I'm learning that my roots are often plugged into my idols rather than Truth.   What are your roots plugged into?  I've been catching myself saying, "I don't want to grow my roots here in Quakertown, or in PA, or in the USA! (insert adult temper tantrum picture here).  I want to grow my roots in Madagascar!"

So this week I've been looking at my roots and what they are plugged into, from the little to the large. Any time I find myself irritated because my expectations aren't met  I find a root planted in an earthly THING, whether it be time, money,
ice cream (ever get irritated when you can't have the thing to eat that you've been looking forward to all day or is it just me?).

My roots need to be planted in Truth, a firm foundation that will never die.  The only thing that will never fade away my friends is the WORD of God.

John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

1 Peter 1:24-25a  For, all flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flower of grass.  The grass withers, and the flower falls off,  but the WORD of the Lord endures forever.'"

Matthew 24:35  Heaven and earth will pass away, but my WORD will never pass away.

And so it is that Jesus is teaching me another hard lesson.  My roots,  ALL OF THEM, from the largest to the smallest NEED to be planted IN Christ, NOT a thing, not a place, not a dream, for ALL those things will wither away and perish.

Colossians 2:6  So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives IN him, ROOTED and built up IN him, strengthened IN the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 "But blessed is the one who trusts IN the LORD, whose confidence is IN him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its ROOTS by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit".

And so I was challenged by the Lord to take note of what my roots were plugged INto.  Yes, I do have roots plugged into God, but He is showing me that not ALL my roots are plugged IN Him.  Roots can wander when they are thirsty.....I need to plant them IN the Living water and not things that will fade away.

So, I challenge you today....make a list (for some reason I find this more compelling.   When you actually SEE  all the things your roots are planted in it's very humbling).  Maybe for you it's your favorite hobby (exercising, knitting, hunting, music), maybe it's your work, for some it might be their relationships (children, spouse/wanting a spouse, friends), maybe it's an addiction, maybe it's your "rights".   My list (though not complete for it would take up a LOT of space) is below, starting at the smallest going to the largest.....for even small roots grow large eventually, so they also need to be plucked and redirected back INto The Word so they get their thirst met by "LIVING WATER".  Let's start the process now.  Help us Jesus.

Hebrews 1:1-2a Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race  marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

1.   Turkey Hill mint chocolate chip ice cream
2.   alone time
3.   getting my expectations met (do it my way, do it now)
4.   friend time with no children
5.   dates with my husband
6.   Madagascar

Dealing with the obnoxious soccer mom

OH my word.  So I was at one of my boys soccer games the other week (randy and i take turns going since it's uth group night and we need to be at both places at once) and there was a totally obnoxious soccer mom there.  Now, for those of you who don't like reading negativity about others please keep reading......it's not what you think.

This woman was the epitome of "soccer moms".  You know the kind, tall, bleach blonde hair from a bottle, and oh yeah, NOT ONLY was she a soccer mom, she was a GOALIE soccer mom..... the kind who has the kid with the cool soccer gloves, mohawked hair.......  She was yelling all game long (thankfully it was all positive)  even jumping up and down when they were close to the goal.  It was so bad that I was embarrassed for her.  I actually took a picture to show you how bad it was.

Yup.....it was me.  I SWORE I would NEVER be a soccer mom.  And here I am.  Mini van, two boys with mohawks, one with goalie gloves, soccer chair, bleach hair (ok, well THAT changes like every few months to a new color!), loud voice.....UGGGGGG!  sigh, well, at least I'm not yelling obscenities just words of encouragement! Oh what we become for the love of our children!

Morning .... already? Getting out of bed

Getting out of bed is the hardest part of the day for me.  I lay there and dread the fact that I know I will let God down, I will let my husband down, I will let my children down, I will let my friends down, I will let down myself.  I will fail.  Sounds depressing right?  No wonder I have a hard time getting out of bed!

How can any body want  to be with me?  I can’t even stand to be with myself some times.  How could Jesus want to die for me in order to be with me?  ME. 

It’s hard to understand why God has allowed me to deal with depression, OCD, anxiety.  Why would He want me to suffer this way.  How can this,  this, be good for me, come from a “Good God”?  

I’ve been struggling with this, and I know I’m not the only one, as one of my friends said the same thing to me the other day.  In my heart of hearts I know/believe that God is good and therefore, that all He does is good.  I just don’t understand how.  How can He use me when I’m feeling like this?

Do you hear the focus of my first few paragraphs?  I’ve made it all about me and my feelings.  God can and will use me for His glory.  He also tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that “His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us.  To give us a hope and a future.”  Do I trust that?  Even when I can’t seem to get myself out of bed?

God gave me a new picture a few months ago about me and my feelings.  I am a bus.  The bus needs a driver.  I need to let that driver be God.  I need to be in the second seat, right behind Him, so I can hear Him as He guides me, teaches me.  But what I’m finding out is that  all to often it’s my feelings that are driving my bus.  Now, feelings are very real, but they are not truth.  Only God is truth and that is why He needs to drive my bus.  So, every morning I finally remember this and I tell my feelings to “get to the back of the bus.  God’s driving today”.  Then, I force myself out of bed, pray as I walk through the house for God’s strength, God’s focus, God’s joy and I chose to move forward in victory, whether I feel victorious or not.

OH MY WORD!!!  I just finished writing this and went on Face book.  Here is what I watched!  You’ve GOT to watch this!  It’s exactly what I was just writing about!  HA!  I love it when God does that!  Here's the link.

Scott Hamilton "I'm second"

Our pastor just preached about goodness as an attribute of God this past Sunday.  Please listen to it.  It spoke so deeply to my heart and I pray that it will speak just as deeply to yours.  
Pastor Jeff's sermon

If I truly understood.

October 3 1013

How would my life look different if I TRULY understood who God is. I've been chewing on the verses from Ephesians 3 off and on for over a year now.

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I'm realizing that we need to be praying this over ourselves, each other, and over the church as a whole. We're not going to understand it unless God brings the understanding. It's too much for our mortal minds to fathom.

How would I look different if I truly understood the depth, the highth, of this love that surpasses knowledge? It would effect how I view myself, others, HIM! Now obviously perfection doesn't come until we are standing before Him, but am I asking Him to help me understand the knowledge of His love, to be EFFECTED by this knowledge and to change the atmosphere around me due to this knowledge?

And so today I pray this over myself, my family, the church....you. How will you allow this knowledge to change the atmosphere around you?

nature points out truth once again

October 13, 2012

This week as I was walking down our road towards the country I noticed the trees on the side of the road. There were some who had vines wrapped around them from top to bottom, some who had vines beginning to grow, slowly creeping up the trunk, and some who had vines ripped off of them and were scarred.

The Lord started opening up my heart to His voice as He started teaching me through nature, yet again. The vines, they are SO beautiful, full of green leaves, some red, purple. Yet these vines are slowly choking out the life of the big trees. These vines represented sin to me. Any kind of sin. Lying, stealing, adultery, addiction, gluttony, selfishness, pride, having a “martyrs attitude”, cheating, disobeying...the list can go on and on.

These things all look so good at first. They seem like a good idea. Or maybe we don't even see that we are doing them! The tree doesn't notice a vine slowly creeping it's way towards the base of the tree. Sin is tricky. Sometimes we look at it and it looks pretty, it get's our attention, “look at that beautiful vine on that tree. It's leaves are wonderful!” But we all come to a realization, at some point or another, that those “beautiful leaves” (sin) are slowly choking us. You can look at a tree and ONLY see the vine as it's completely taken over the tree. Do you ever feel like that. You look at yourself in the mirror and are so covered with poor choices or there is a sin that clutches itself onto your life, that you forget who you are/what you look like without it?

Then I started thinking. “You know, a tree can't take off a vine that's wrapped around it. It needs a “gardener” to remove it, kill it”. We can't overcome sin on our own. Sometimes we can't even see it's in our lives We need someone to come along and lovingly approach us about that nasty vine in our lives. We need someone to rip it off so that we may be able to fully breath again, fully live without guilt, without shame, without smothering. The problem is that when those vines are ripped off they leave wounds, scarring. Only the Lord is able to fully detatch the vines of sin in our lives. Only He is able to bring complete healing. The scars? Yes, they are still there, but you can look at them as wounds or you can look at them as a loving rememberance, a chance to remember how the Lord set you free. A chance to share with others what He's done in your life when they ask about the scarring.

We all have them you know. Vines and scars. It's a constant circle in the human life. We are attracted to the ungodly things in life and hence are always battling vines, even ones appearing to be beautiful. Therefore, we are always in the need of a savior to lovingly approach us and help us see those vines and give us the courage to allow Him to rip them off, allow Him to scar us, and yet bring healing. I know that this is a painful process and scars are not pretty, but it's the least we can allow Him to do. Think of the scars He has and bore for us.

And so as I walked down the road I began to ask the Lord, “What vines do I have in my life today Lord? What things do I need to ask you to remove from the flesh of my heart in order to be able to fully be who I am in You?” For me it's fear. I live in constant fear and anxiety. This is my vine. It's almost choked me out of life a few times, but through God's grace (and wonderful friends and family) He has shown me that my life was at risk by this vine and that I needed it removed. Seems that I need it removed almost every day. What's your vine? Will you join me in asking the Lord for courage to allow Him to remove the vines in our lives?